


A Little Drinking Game

by ce_ucumatli



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Canon Compliant, Drinking Games, F/F, F/M, M/M, Mentions of Sex, discussion of sex, mentions of drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 13:10:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11829417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ce_ucumatli/pseuds/ce_ucumatli
Summary: Clone Club plays Never Have I Ever





	A Little Drinking Game

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after Helena’s baby shower. This assumes that the conversation in “Talk to Me” happened, but you don’t need to read that story to understand this one.

“Dude, are these screwdrivers?” Cosima picked up one of the tall glasses from Alison’s coffee table. Beside her on the couch, Delphine did the same. 

“Yes, but don’t drink any now,” Donnie said. “We’re going to play a little game, so you might not wanna get too drunk too early.” 

Sitting cross-legged in a chair next to Colin, Felix snorted. “Look at the people here, Donnie. Do we look like an inexperienced bunch?”

Donnie looked around the living room. On the other side of Felix, Adele was working her way through another bottle of wine, and beside her, Alison had just returned with a tray full of snacks. Next to Donnie’s chair, Sarah smirked and propped her feet on the coffee table, careful not to upset any beverages. She and Donnie had just brought some extra chairs in from outside, and Helena draped herself over the ottoman again, the baby monitor flopping on the front of her overalls. Every so often a soft gurgle came from the monitor. Upstairs, Kira, Charlotte, Gemma, and Oscar were all in bed, lulled off to sleep by Adele’s tipsy rendition of The Big Friendly Giant while Helena had read the sisters her own story. Hell-wizard had left with Arthur and Maya earlier in the evening.

Sitting on the couch to Delphine’s right, Scott giggled and eyed his cocktail. “Well...” he said.

“It’s okay, Scotty,” Cosima said. “You can be the lightweight of the evening.” She reached around her girlfriend to pat his knee in a way meant to reassure, but his grin slipped a bit. 

From his other side, Helena patted his other knee. “Yes, Scott, we will take care of you when you are drunk.” Since she was breastfeeding, she was the only one without alcohol. Instead, Alison had made her some lightly-sweetened lemonade that Helena was obviously not crazy about.

In a few minutes, they explained the game to Helena, who’d never played before, and established some ground rules, and the game began. It was decided that Colin, as the newest member of Clone Club, should start them off. Felix batted his eyelashes at him. “Make it a good one, darling.”

“Okay...” Colin looked around the assembled group of clones and clone associates. The sisters all looked at him with identically raised eyebrows. “I guess, uh... Well, never have I ever impersonated someone else. How’s that?”

“Shiiiit!” Sarah laughed as all four of the sisters took their first drinks. “That was easy!”

Cosima nodded appreciatively and raised her glass to Alison. “Tasty, thank you, Alison.” Beside her, Delphine cocked her head. 

“Which of them have you impersonated?” Delphine asked. “And when?”

“Oh, just Alison. For a, uh, an election thing she had to step out of for a minute.”

Felix chortled. “And you gave the worst speech I’ve ever heard. Delphine, make sure she never goes into politics, alright? Or anything with public speaking, really.” He popped a cracker with cheese into his mouth and nodded appreciatively. “My turn now, is it? Alright, let’s see. Never have I ever....” He rolled his head around and looked up at the ceiling. There was not much Felix had never done, after all. “...collapsed while performing publicly!” he announced finally, with a flourish.

Groaning, both Alison and Donnie took sips of their screwdrivers. Alison had not initially wanted to partake, and Donnie had been hesitant, but pressure from Sarah and Felix’s, combined with Cosima’s assurances that no one would leave the house or be in any danger, convinced them to drink along. Now, Adele reached over and tipped Alison’s glass up to pour more into Alison’s mouth, and Sarah followed suit with Donnie. 

“You’re two for two, Alison!” Adele crowed. “Shit, it’s my turn, though, isn’t it? God, what haven’t I done? Other than collapse while performing publicly, which, by the way, I really want to hear more about some time! Oh, gosh.” She looked around the room for ideas, her eyes finally resting on Colin. “Here we go. Never have I ever performed an autopsy. How’s that?”

With a sigh, Colin, Cosima, and Delphine all drank to that. Adele’s head swiveled around to the couch. “Why am I not surprised?” 

Scott raised his glass halfway to his mouth and paused. “Do you mean, like, a full autopsy?” he asked. “Or...”

“Just drink, Scotty,” Cosima told him. “Autopsying a brain is close enough for this game.”

Next it was Alison’s turn. She pushed back a lock of purple streaked hair and considered her slightly depleted screwdriver. Looking pointedly at Felix, she said, “Never have I ever dressed in drag.”

No one was surprised when Felix drank to that, but a few eyebrows went up for Cosima. 

“What is this drag?” Helena asked.

“It’s when you dress up like the opposite sex,” Sarah explained.

Cosima nodded and gestured with her free hand. “But, like, in kind of an exaggerated way. So, like, just wearing pants doesn’t count.”

“Oh.” A tiny cry emanated from the baby monitor, but faded before Helena could get up from the ottoman. “Donnie Hendrik,” she said, “is your turn for never have I ever.”

Donnie shifted in his chair and fidgeted with his glass. “I don’t think I’ve played this game with such an experienced and eclectic group of people,” he said. 

“Don’t worry about that,” Sarah told him. “The point is to get other people pissing drunk as fast as possible." 

“Right.” He looked at everyone’s drink levels and noted that Adele’s was still, miraculously, full. “Never have I ever... been to Geneva!” He grinned while Adele, Felix, and Delphine all drank and Alison rolled her eyes.

“Really, Donnie, is that the best you can come up with?”

“What? What’s wrong with never going to Geneva?”

For her turn, Sarah sat up straight and took her feet from the coffee table with a grin. Without hesitation, she said, “Never have I ever stolen a parade float.”

“That is oddly specific,” Cosima noted, even as Felix tossed his hair and took a drink. “When did you steal a parade float?”

“High school. It was worth it.”

For Helena’s turn, she looked around the group and changed her facial expression for everyone present, taking just long enough to make everyone uncomfortable. When she began, she spoke slowly, each syllable bouncing like a ball dropped from a high place. “Never have I ever.... sold drugs.”

“Well, shit.” Felix and Alison spoke in unison and both of them, plus Donnie, Sarah, and Adele all drank. Felix swirled around his screwdriver, now only two-thirds full. “This is really not my round, is it? Well, Scotty, you’re up! Let’s see if you can make everyone here take a drink.”

Scott giggled again and looked down at his hands. Setting his jaw, he said, “Never have I ever had sex with a man?” It should have been a statement, but his voice turned up at the end like a question. Around the table, everyone except Donnie and Scott took a drink.

“Cosima,” Alison said, spluttering a little on her drink, “I thought you were a....”

“Hey, I had an experimental phase, okay? Gold stars are for losers anyways.” She tucked her head onto Delphine’s shoulder, one hand already resting on her thigh.

With everyone’s attention on her now, Delphine looked over at Cosima. Delphine licked her lips and smiled, making Cosima take a deep, preparatory breath. 

“I love you,” Cosima reminded her, batting her eyelashes.

“Never have I ever done hallucinogenic mushrooms,” Delphine said after a pause.

Cosima blinked several times and drank with a smile, along with Felix, Adele, and Sarah. “That wasn’t nearly as bad as it could’ve been. Hey, Alison, is there some reason you’re not drinking right now?”

“Hm?” Alison had been looking off in the distance, playing with the strings on her top. Now, under the wide, knowing eyes of both Cosima and her husband, Alison gave something between a squeak and a bleat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Bullshit. I remember the first time we met.”

Donnie coughed pointedly, then drew his eyebrows together. “Wait, you met Cosima that night? Or did you do mushrooms a different time, too?”

Alison let out a violent sigh and raised her glass, muttering something about Jesus Christ and cupcakes. After drinking, she adjusted her posture and her skirt. “No, no, that was the same night.”

And then it was Cosima’s turn. Cosima grinned with all of her teeth and reached out her arms until both of her shoulders popped. “Never have I ever met Krystal Goderich,” she said.

As Felix, Delphine, Donnie, and Scott drank, Sarah stared at her. “What, never? How’ve you managed that? Krystal’s a force of fucking nature.”

Cosima shrugged. 

“Might be for the best,” Felix suggested. “She’s attacked most of us.”

“You gave her the cure, I thought?” Helena said. “You gave the cure to all sestras.”

“Scotty gave Krystal the cure, actually. I was in Cleveland with Tony that weekend.”

The game had circled back around the Colin, who sat quietly with Felix’s arm around his shoulders. Colin had only been with all the clones like this once before, shortly after the gallery opening when Felix spilled the beans about why they all looked the same. Along with Scott, Helena, and Donnie, Colin’s glass was nearly full. Felix’s glass, on the other hand, was almost half empty. Considering his options, Colin made a series of faces, finally settling on “Never have I ever given oral sex to a woman,” spoken with crisp precision.

That time, the only two drinking were Cosima and Delphine, who wore matching grins as they drank. Beside them on the couch, Scott blushed crimson. 

“Wait, hang on - just a minute now-” Adele and Sarah spoke over each other, looking at Donnie and Alison. 

“You’ve never-” Adele began.

“Donnie, really?” Sarah added. 

Donnie shrank back into his chair, his hands clutched between his knees. “What?” he said, even though his face clearly showed he knew what.

“Alison,” Felix gently offered, “are we really finding out now that your husband has never, ever gone down on you?”

“Well, it’s...” Now Alison looked just as nervous as Donnie. “It’s just never come up, that’s all. We do... other things. Together.”

“Do you give him blowjobs, though?” Sarah demanded.

Both Hendrixes flushed red, but after a moment Alison nodded once. “Sometimes, yes.”

“Well, a’right then! Donnie, return the favor, not right this second, please, but later, and give your wife some fucking head. Okay? She’s fuckin’ earned it.”

Donnie opened his mouth with a retort, but saw that the room was against him, and Alison wasn’t exactly backing him up anymore, and he closed it again, opting instead for a deep sigh. “I mean, I guess if she wants me to...”

“It’s a lot of fun,” Delphine chimed in, about a third of the way into her own screwdriver. Looking at Alison, she added, “And since you and Cosima have essentially the same biology, your bodies should respond to oral stimulation the same way, so I’m sure that--”

Cosima squeezed Delphine’s thigh. “You can stop right there, babe.”

“Well, on that thoroughly unpleasant note,” Felix said, “I see that some of you have almost full glasses. There’s no point in getting Helena to drink, but the rest of you need to catch up. Never have I ever been to university. There.”

Everyone except Helena and Sarah drank for that one. The twins patted each other in solidarity. “It is okay, sestra,” Helena said. “We have each other, we don’t need university.”

“Oh, shit, is it my turn again?” Adele was swaying on her chair, despite her average performance at the game. “I’m gonna pick on Helena. Never have I ever skinned a wild animal.”

Helena sipped her lemonade. “Is important skill. I will show you how.”

Alison, her glass more than half full still, looked at the coffee table and carefully placed her hands on her lap for her turn. “Never have I ever attempted to use someone else’s urine as my own.”

Adele drank immediately to that one, and Sarah followed suit after a moment, but Cosima stared at her until Alison looked up and made eye contact with her. “Cosima?” Alison said.

“Yeah, fuck you.” Cosima tossed back a mouthful of her screwdriver and put it back on the coffee table with a clunk. Both Scott and Delphine watched her, heads cocked to the side.

“Hey, you’re not saying you faked your urinalysis at Dyad?” Scott asked. “Are you?”

Cosima held up one finger at both of them. “No. All the urine I ever gave you was my own.”

“But you attempted,” Alison said.

“And you refused.”

A few seats to her right, Sarah laughed. “Cos, did you seriously try to use Alison’s piss as your own? Do you know how many drugs Alison uses?”

“Used!” Alison snapped. “Past tense, thank you.”

“That wasn’t the point.” Cosima held her forehead in her hand, pointedly avoiding Delphine’s gaze. “It’s Donnie’s turn now. Donnie?”

“You know,” Delphine said, “we would have known it wasn’t yours if the sample didn’t have any THC in it. That would have aroused some suspicion. Not to mention, your other medications would have shown up only in your urine, not Alison’s.”

“Yeah, well, Alison never gave me her pee anyway, so let’s just move on, okay? Donnie, please.”

“Okay...” Donnie looked from Cosima to his wife and shook his head to clear it. “This is getting kind of difficult. Um... Never have I ever.... no, wait, that’s a bad one. Hang on.” He mumbled under his breath and counted something on his fingers while the others waited. Helena started humming a little song. Finally, he put his hands down. “Okay. Never have I ever met Rachel Duncan. There.”

“Wow, really?” Cosima said. Her glass now matched Felix’s as the lowest in the room, and each time she put the glass down, the thunk was a little harder. “I thought everyone’d met Rachel.”

Scott, despite being less than a third into his own drink, was maintaining a steady pink undertone in his face and neck. “Yeah, well, she was out of commission for a while, wasn’t she?”

Sarah, like Felix, showed no signs of inebriation as her turn came. Cosima dropped her head back onto Delphine’s shoulder and eyed her sister. “Please be kind, Sarah. Please pick something I haven’t done.”

Delphine put her arm around her shoulders and smirked down at her. “Are you afraid of losing, chérie?”

“I wasn’t at first, but I’m starting to be.”

“Alright.” Sarah rubbed her palms together. “Never have I ever been to rehab. Like, as a patient or whatever.”

Alison and Adele both drank to that, Adele with a smile and Alison with a death stare towards Sarah. “I will get you back for that, sestra,” Alison warned. “Just you wait.”

“I will avenge you, sestra Alison. Do not worry.” Helena adjusted her position on the ottoman. “Never have I ever had sex with my boss.”

Sarah looked over from her chair. “Who the fuck told you that, then?”

“Sestra Felix told me.”

Felix, in the midst of taking his own drink, shrugged and refused to look apologetic. Delphine and Cosima both drank, earning them looks from a few people, including Adele, who was tied for second place along with Delphine. “You two?” Adele spluttered. “I did not see that coming.”

Cosima belched and excused herself. “Well, Delphine was my boss, so...”

“Yeah, okay, but Delphine? Girl, you are chock full of surprises, aren’t you? You know, back in Geneva I thought you were, like, this all-business-all-the-time bitch, like probably a total ice queen. Completely wrong first impression there, huh?”

Delphine arched an eyebrow, and Cosima giggled. “Yeah, completely wrong. She just acts the part really, really well.” 

It was Scott’s turn again. He fiddled with his glass and drew lines in the condensation around the sides. “Okay. Never have I ever been arrested, I guess.”

Colin, Felix, Adele, Donnie, and Sarah all drank, making faces in various shades of shame. “Wait,” Alison said, “do you mean legitimately arrested? Or does any kind of blackbagging count?”

“Uhh...”

“Legitimate arrests only,” Felix said. “It’s only really an arrest if it’s the police doing it and they read you your rights. Otherwise it kidnapping or assault or whatever.”

“Oh, good.” Alison put her drink back down. It was half empty. “You know, Delphine,” she said, “speaking of blackbagging, we were all totally convinced, for the longest time, that you were going to blackbag Cosima and stuff her in the back of an SUV, and we’d never see her again.”

If Delphine was surprised, she didn’t show it. “Were you?” 

Beside her, Cosima nodded. “Yeah, every time I talked to Sarah or Alison they told me to stay away from you. From, like, the first day we met until the day I had my seizure.”

“Yeah, I might’ve told her the same thing,” Felix added. “Sorry.”

Cosima gave her girlfriend a sweet smile, her cheeks flushed from the vodka. “I’m glad I didn’t listen.”

On the other side of Delphine, Scott just shrugged. “She never asked for my opinion.”

“Yeah, but you were the one telling me to trust Delphine when she was all HBIC at Dyad, remember?” Cosima said. “You gave me your opinion even if I didn’t ask you for it.”

“HBIC? What is this?” Helena asked. 

Some of the others snickered or looked down at their drinks, but Sarah grinned, and Donnie looked confused. “Yeah, I don’t think I’m familiar with that, either. Was that, like, a rank at Dyad? You were the director there, weren’t you?”

Felix chimed in with the definition. “It means Head Bitch in Charge, Donnie. And believe me, she totally was. Straight hair and everything.”

“Oh. Oh!” 

As Donnie realized that Cosima had just called her girlfriend a bitch, Delphine tossed her hair over her shoulder and ran one finger under Cosima’s jawline. Smiling, she said, “Yes, chérie, I’m glad you didn’t listen to your sisters when they told you not to trust me. I simply cannot imagine what it would be like to be mistrusted by you.”

Cosima leaned back against her and propped her bare feet on the coffee table. “Bitch.”

“Hmm. Apparently. And it’s my turn, too. Let’s see.” She trailed her fingers along the underside of Cosima’s chin, down her throat, around her ear, and across her cheek, staring at their knees pressed together side-by-side. 

“Do your worst,” Cosima said. “I can take it.”

Delphine snorted. “Alright. Never have I ever fallen off the bed during sex.”

“That’s your worst?!” Cosima took a drink, slopping some liquid onto her chin in the process and swearing. Beside her, Colin took a sip of his own drink, drawing a smirk from Felix. “Weak sauce. How’s this - never have I ever stopped having sex, in the middle of it, to take a forty-five minute phone call.”

Delphine drank alone to that one, raising a long middle finger in Cosima’s direction as she did so. 

“I think I’m learning too much about you two’s sex life,” Alison commented.

Adele shook her head. “I don’t think I’m learning enough. I still want to know about this boss Delphine slept with. Was it your boss at Dyad, or somewhere else?”

Delphine dabbed some juice from her lower lip and raised an index finger while Cosima giggled at her. “First of all, that forty-five minute phone call, Cosima, was with our contact in Kuwait, and if I hadn’t taken that call, Neolution might still be around. You are welcome. Second of all-” She turned to Adele and paused. “-yes. Colin, it’s your turn, please.”

Colin, less than halfway through his drink, considered his options. Donnie and Scott were more or less tied with him, and Helen had barely touched her lemonade. In fact, her glass was farther away from her than when it started. Everyone else aside from them had drunk more than he had. 

“Pick on Helena,” Sarah said. “She’s almost full over here, and she’s done loads of stuff.”

Helena gave Colin one her sideways smiles. He sucked in a sharp breath. “Yeah, but doesn’t most of that stuff fall under the Things We Won’t Talk About rules we established in the beginning? I mean, from what Felix told me...” He blushed then, looking to his boyfriend from backup. 

“Yes, I have killed people,” Helena said. “But I have done more than that, also.”

That did not seem to make Colin feel any better. He took a few more deep breaths before Felix leaned over and whispered into his ear. 

“Hang on, isn’t that cheating?” Donnie asked.

“Oh, whatever.” Adele almost took another drink right then, but put her glass back down, remembering the game. “How much of this stuff did you learn straight from the horse’s mouth, anyway? It’s not like Helena’s gonna get too drunk to get home.”

Still, Colin looked skeptical. He looked back to Felix a few times before venturing, “Never have I ever eaten scrambled eggs with strawberry jam on top. And I’d like to keep it that way, I think.”

No one else was surprised when Helena drank to that, but a few of them gave Cosima strange looks when she did. “What?” she asked. “You’ve never gotten the munchies before?”

With that, Cosima surpassed Felix, leaving only a few drinks left in her glass, depending on how enthusiastic she got. Felix noticed and gave her a sly smile. “I have gotten the munchies, Miss Niehaus, but I have never, ever had sex in a laboratory.”

“God damnit, Felix.” 

When Cosima and Delphine both drank, Scott scrunched himself away from them. “Really? In our lab?”

They both laughed. “Well, you weren’t there at the time,” Delphine said.

Felix didn’t miss that Colin drank, too. “What? And which laboratory have you had sex in, mister? Don’t tell me it was the morgue.”

“No. It was in school. My first time, actually.” A little smile played on Colin’s face, and Cosima reached her glass over to clink against his. 

Adele leaned over to see how little remained in Cosima’s glass and nodded to herself. “Yup. I think I’m gonna finish you off. Should be easy considering it looks like there’s not much you haven’t done.”

“Well.” Cosima held out her hand and started counting off on her fingers. “We’ve gone through the clone thing, the gay thing, the straight thing, the drugs thing... what else? Besides, it’s gotta be something you’ve never done, and- ” Her sentence was interrupted by a hiccup and a cough. “- I get the feeling you’ve done everything, too.”

“Well, I mean, I’ve never had sex in Felix’s bed, and apparently you two have, so there.”

Cosima froze with her fingers midair. “You’ve got me there. Shit.”

She drained her glass, plopping it back onto the coffee table as Delphine, Sarah, Felix, and Colin all drank along. 

“My goodness, Felix,” Alison commented. “That’s quite a lot of people.”

“It is, isn’t it?

Helena grinned at him. “What about your bed is so special, I wonder? Is it the red sheets?”

“Maybe it is. Alison, you’re up. Try to bring your husband up to speed, maybe.”

Alison looked down at Donnie’s mostly full glass. “Okay. I’ve never watched porn.”

“WHAT?!” In her shock, Cosima nearly fell off the couch, stopped only by Delphine’s arm around her. “Jesus Christ, Alison, not even, like, hentai or anything? Furniture porn? Craft porn? Nothing??”

In the laughter that followed, everyone drank except Cosima, who had no drink left. Turning to Helena, Sarah asked, “Watched a lot of porn in the convent, then?”

“I did not watch in convent, no.”

Cosima wiggled back against Delphine’s side and wedged her hand between Delphine’s crossed legs. “How are you not drunk?” she asked. “You’ve almost had a full glass, too.”

“I’m French. And you are small.”

The next two turns, though, managed to finish off Delphine, as well. Donnie said he’d never ridden a horse, and Sarah, eyeing Delphine’s glass, said she’d never worked for Dyad, and then Delphine was done. After both of their glasses were empty, Cosima and Delphine leaned back together, arms around each, and giggled at everyone else’s experiences or lack thereof. After a few more turns, though, Cosima yawned and stretched, and Delphine said they should probably head back unless Alison had a place for them to crash for the night. Alison did not, so they ordered an Uber back to the Rabbit Hole. 

“I’ll go with you,” Scott offered. “Just to the shop, to make sure no one falls down the stairs or anything.”

“You are the best guy.” Cosima stood, swaying a little on her feet, and put both hands on Scott’s shoulders. “I’ll pay for your ride back to your apartment, too.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.”

Felix and Colin ordered a separate car, leaving Sarah to sleep on the sofa and Helena in the garage with her babies. Before she went to the garage, Helena saw Donnie looking ruefully down at his glass, still mostly full. 

“Do not worry, Donnie Hendrik,” she said. “You will do more things one day.”


End file.
